Living with Anxiety and Depression!

Living with Anxiety and Depression

As many of you know, I struggle with anxiety. I honestly have always had a “touch of” it, but February 2, 2015 is when it came on with a vengeance. I will never forget that evening.

It was right after we had eaten dinner and I went in our room to take a bath and before I knew it, I felt like I was having a heart attack, couldn’t breathe, heart palpitations, dizzy, and all the other stuff that goes along with it.

I remember trying to do deep breathing, grounding techniques, and other things, but nothing worked. I even considered having Jamie take me to the ER because it was so bad and I was convinced it wasn’t like my other panic attacks.

I remember going to the doctor and her suggesting I be put on Zoloft or another medication to help with it, but I was afraid to try it. I do not like to take medications.

I also was talking to too many people who were telling me if I trusted God, then I shouldn’t need medications. They would quote Bible verses and acted like I was lacking faith. They told me if I had faith God would heal me.

Well after over two weeks of the anxiety and truly being totally incapacitated, I decided I needed to go on the medication. I also decided that it had nothing to do with a lack of faith. If I had cancer, diabetes, or hypertension, I would not think twice about receiving treatment. I needed help and I was no longer going to let others’ opinion cause me to not seek treatment.

During this time I also started counseling. Over those two years I have learned so much about myself. One of the biggest things is I say “yes” way too much. I always thought if I was a “Christian” I needed to say “yes”, but I learned quickly that I cannot possibly do it all. That becoming unhealthy is not what God wants from me either and my yeses have to be aligned with God. I read the book “The Best Yes” by Lysa TerKeurst and it was a huge help.

I began going much deeper in my faith. I always thought my relationship with God was good, but I learned there was much more. The biggest thing was I needed to be quiet more and listen to God speak to me; not for me to do all the talking. I started to fast more and truly deepen my relationship.

I read a book “All In” by Mark Batterson and one portion said we all have an Isaac. It said to think and pray about what our Isaac was. I started praying and God revealed to me that my Isaac was my reputation. But God quickly showed that my reputation is what others think of me and my character is what God knows about me. My character is all that really matters.

In the last two years our family has been through so much trauma and tragedy, but the thing that has remained the same is my faith. God has shown up time and time again and many times in BIG ways.

Because of the many things that have come up, my anxiety peaks at different times. Some of things that I have learned are that I no longer can say yes to many things. I can’t just plan something anymore, because I honestly do not know how I will feel. Because of that, I have often had to cancel plans because I just cannot make myself do it. People who do not struggle with anxiety do not understand that.

I also started using essential oils – especially Lavender, Peace & Calming, Frankincense, and some other combinations. That truly has helped my emotional state of mind. It just has a calming effect on my body and has taught me how to slow down my breathing and “relax” in God’s presence.

I then began teaching myself how to self-meditate and truly try to slow my life down. I honestly think the busyness of life had finally caught up with me. I have always tried to be there for everyone else and I think it finally took a toll on my body. It was time to take care of myself and my family.

I learned grounding techniques. When I feel a panic attack coming on, I either read out loud or say my name, my birth date, other common things that stops that side of my brain. I also have done a lot of coloring as I found that is calming.

The other aspect of anxiety is that you always come to the worst conclusions.  If I get a headache, I immediately think, Oh my, I have a brain tumor.  If I get a cold, I immediately think, I have lung cancer.  It is going to the worst possible conclusion and once it is gone, you realize just how silly it is to think that way, but at the time it is so real. 

Because I have dealt with anxiety for two years on and off, it has led to a depression. I used to just make plans and follow through with them, but now I can’t do that and I feel like I have missed out on so much for the last two years. I have missed some of our kids school functions because I just could not be in a crowd.

Then the guilt kicks in because I feel like a “bad mom”, like I am missing my kids grow up. I feel like a failure and that worsens the anxiety/depression cycle.

I try to tell myself When those thoughts start creeping up on me, that those are not things from God. Satan has a way of knowing what our weaknesses are and trying to prey on those downfalls.

It is a spiral effect, the anxiety, then the depression, and it just keeps spinning in a circle. It is also hard for loved ones to understand if they have never dealt with anxiety. They think you can “just get over it”. Boy do I wish it was that easy. It sure would make it easier. 

At times I watch other people walking and interacting and think “Wow, I miss those days”. Something is taken away from you when you have anxiety. It is like you are missing part of your life. It is a battle every day and some days are better than others.

Most of you know I am transparent about our life and because of my walk with Christ, I feel it even more important to share what I am dealing with. Mental illness is real and 1 in 4 people suffer from it. It comes in all different shapes and sizes, but anxiety/depression is one of them.

 

There has always been such a taboo on mental illness and I think it is time for us, any of us suffering from this disorder, to share what we are experiencing. It is so much easier to know we are not alone.

I have a wonderful friend who suffers with anxiety/panic attacks also and I know at anytime I can call on her. She has come to the house and sat on the couch with me as I cried in fear. She never tried to fix me, she just reassured me I was okay. We now joke when one of us is having a panic attack that we feel like we are “goners”.

I am blessed that God has brought the people in my life that I need to help me through this. If any of you struggle with anxiety, panic attacks, or depression, know you are not alone. If you need a friend, please know I am here to pray for you.  Let’s help one another get through this.  

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