What God is teaching me through this journey is “Hope” and “Peace”
I will start out and say this has been one of the hardest post to actually write, but I know God wants me to be completely transparent and so I will be obedient.
About a month ago Jamie and I knew God was telling us we needed to make some changes in our life including the blog. We began spending more time in prayer asking God to reveal his vision for us. When we started I told Jamie, Satan is not going to be happy and will start attacking us in every avenue. Well, that has proven to be true and we thought we were ready for the battle.
Last Monday started out to be a stressful day, no school AGAIN, I needed to get my 365 Days of Kindness video completed, the City of Toledo’s Mayor had a cardiac arrest, our driveway had close to a foot of snow and Jamie had pulled his back out, and I found myself completely overwhelmed. As the day progressed we got things done and then sat down for dinner like usual. After dinner, I found myself becoming increasingly agitated. My heart started racing, I had a lump in my throat, I was having a hard time swallowing. I have had panic attacks in the past and I told Jamie I was having one. I tried to talk myself out of it and tell myself it was a panic attack, but my mind took over and it became full blown. I was convinced I was dying. I was convinced Jamie was going to have to call 911. Jamie and the kids watched me in complete and utter panic mode. I paced, I tried to lie down, but I could not calm myself down. Finally after 2 ½ hours I was able to fall asleep, but quickly awokened again, anxious. Anxious that it was going to happen again. I got about 2 hours of sleep that night and tried my best to look somewhat put together for the kids on Tuesday before they headed out to school. My stomach was sick. I made a doctor’s appointment and went in to see my doctor. I had not eaten the entire day as my anxiety level was so elevated. My doctor prescribed me a med for the anxiety, ordered blood work, and said to monitor my BP. I am also in the beginning of menopause so my cycles are not regular and my hormones are completely messed up, so just a number of things. This anxiety was completely debilitating; nothing I had ever experienced before. I have worked in the medical field my entire life and seen others have panic attacks, but I was convinced it wasn’t just a panic attack. This continued the entire week with the pacing and anxiety, and many trips to Speedway for a Gatorade. I was trying not to take the antianxiety medication so suffering BIG time. As it became dark each night the anxiety got worse as I knew everyone else was sleeping and I would be wide awake and alone again without Jamie or the kids, BUT that is where Proclaim FM came in. I had the radio on every night and listened to Charles Stanley and Tony Evans and one night in particular they kept saying “Be Still and Know that I am God”. I knew that was God speaking to my spirit and telling me to listen to him. So many things were starting to come to light, i.e. my work schedule, forgiveness, outreach, etc. When you are debilitated all you can do is listen.
By Saturday morning my anxiety was the worst EVER and I told Jamie we needed to go to the church to see our pastor. Upon arrival he was teaching a class (that we did not want to disturb) so we went in the sanctuary and I cried and cried and prayed and prayed. I told God “Please just reveal to me what you what me to see in this storm. Please help me to listen”. Our pastor came in and talked to us and prayed over us. [Read more…]
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